Since starting this blog, the anticipated questions about my recent adventures and details of my upcoming excursion have found their way to me…and since the theme of this blog is loosely tied to the kind of crazy adventure that is my life, a post about the adventure on the horizon seemed timely. I’ll admit, this post has been difficult to write - it feels insurmountable and with so much to say…
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| Above the clouds on the summit of Cotopaxi at sunrise... Thanks to Dan Jenkins for sharing this great picture! |
On January 5th, I depart on my first expedition to Ecuador to climb the Andes. My trip will last just over 2 weeks, with a return date of January 20th. In the interim I will complete 2 day-summits and 3 larger summits on glaciated and active volcanoes ranging from roughly 19,000 - 21,000 ft in altitude - specifically Mount Cotopaxi, Mount Cayambe, and Mount Chimborazo (as a point of reference Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa is 19,341 ft) . My emotions range from extremely excited to something that vaguely resembles fear, but might be more appropriately coined "anticipation.” My preparation is well underway with a consistently increasing focus on training and evermore frequent trips to REI - I'm fairly certain that I'm single handedly keeping them in business at this point. I *may* be on a first name basis with the staff…
In some ways, the idea of this trip, or one of this nature, had long been floating in my head, timidly filed under “I wish I could, but…” where it very likely may have forever lived. Ultimately, the decision to jump into this challenge was spontaneous and bold, an attempt to focus energy and grief after the untimely death of a dear friend. Justin was a confidant, friend, flirt, mentor, teacher, and so much more to so many…there are not enough kind and good words that can be said about him.
On March 28th a phone call with Dan Jenkins at Earth Treks unfolded serendipitously…through the course of our conversation, I learned that Dan was a long-time friend of Justin and had been his first instructor in high-altitude mountaineering more than a decade prior during the same trip to Ecuador that I currently look forward to. Within a day of talking with Dan, I was emotionally committed to this adventure. The weekend prior had been my most difficult moment up to that point. As I had anticipated, my most challenging experiences came more than a month after Justin’s death as I tried to settle back into the rhythm of a life that felt very different and at a time when so many other moments that might have previously bothered me relatively little suddenly overwhelmed me.
I wish I could say that the decision to go to Ecuador gave new focus and meaning to my life and that I immediately embarked on an upward emotional trajectory. I did not. It was bumpy and rocky. I was sad. I felt alone. I missed Justin all the more – the decision to go created an entirely new opportunity for moments in which I wished I could call him to seek his advice or ask him to check my knots while setting climbs, to look to him for encouragement and support, among so many other things.
The concept of Ecuador did not immediately blanket my life in positive energy and ambition…but it did provide moments of purpose and anticipation, and over time, those moments have pushed me to seek other adventures, to explore what else I had previously filed under “I wish I could, but…,” to pull those cautious ideas out, dust them off, and make them happen. To “take life by storm” has been my go-to description. After several months, I felt just a bit more like myself once again, and yet I was surrounded by a life that looked very different – new car, new apartment, new job, new climbing community, changed friendships, my weekends filled with crossfit competitions and adventure challenges. I completed a GoRuck Challenge after I found myself thinking, “I wish I was one of those girls that was tough enough to do that…” only to realize what I probably already knew - you don’t become that girl by wishing you could, but instead by saying you will.
This subtle and slow shift permitted the positive energy from the people surrounding me, both in physical proximity and emotional support, to percolate through my life. It’s not that I forgot or that somehow Justin’s absence became bearable. It is always there in some way – shocking pain, a funny memory, a secret I can’t wait to tell him. And that’s ok, it helps me remember him and hold onto him and is integrated into the person I am and continue to grow into.
Justin is on my mind always, but Ecuador is a challenge and adventure for me, this trip is not for Justin…but it is because of him. Justin made a world of adventure and excitement suddenly feel accessible - he was so eager to share it with everyone, to help them begin their own adventures. I swear, I made to the top of my first 5.9 climb by his shear will (and his refusal to lower me down the climbing wall no matter how much I complained). He gave the people around him the permission to take on challenges that might have seemed absurd to others; he never judged, he never second-guessed…he just provided incredible enthusiasm and energy for everyone’s efforts and endeavors. He wasn’t flawless and I don’t want to pretend that he was – it would undermine the value and significance of how incredibly good he really and truly was and the very real way he in which touched others.
And so, while this trip is for me, I would be remiss if I didn’t note the way Justin's life touched mine, his influence, and how much I have benefited from his presence, from his encouragement, and from the permission (and sometimes not-so-gentle push) he gave me to take on adventures, big and small, no matter the risk of failure or chance of success, but for the sake of the adventure itself…
Ecuador 2013 – I can’t wait!
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