This week marks one-year's time since the
unexpected death of a friend - a dear friend and someone so integrated
into my daily routine that even a year later I sense his absence everyday, a
person so unique and kind and loved by so many that his friends, scattered around
the world, have reached out in the previous 12 months to provide comfort and
support and love to each other across continents and oceans, and across prior
grievances and pride.
I wish there were words to explain Justin, to do him justice, but
there simply are not - I could never do justice to what a kind person
he was, his infectious smile and laugh, his loyalty, his honesty, his
trustworthiness, his silliness, his charismatic personality, his ability to
crack a joke or tease a friend to show that he cared, his incredible sense of
adventure, his enthusiasm for life and all that it offers, or the way that this
all came together in him.
Justin appealed to everyone, he left everyone he met feeling
special. "He made every group
feel like they were the 'best friend' group in his life,” was the accurate assessment made by a friend.
And so with that in mind, it's no surprise that I have tried to
start this post more than a dozen times. I have sat down to collect my
thoughts, laid my fingers to the keyboard...but nothing comes, or nothing
adequate.
Much of the last year has left me sad and uncertain, but I know
with every bit of my being that there is good to find here, there are
gifts that Justin left us, and I so very much want to make sure they are given
the emphasis that they deserve.
In the last year, in the midst of so much sadness and
uncertaintity, I have also been filled with gratitude, awestruck to see
Justin's friends come together, support each other, take care of friends known
only through a connection to him. In moments of joy and of sorrow, I have
looked around rooms filled with friends and become acutely aware that
without Justin, I would know so few of the people to whom I am now forever
connected – climbing friends, crossfit friends, work friends, friends from eras
of Justin's life before I ever knew him, his family. Justin's death
brought me face to face with a kindness and compassion from my own friends and
family, spread near and far, that was overwhelming.
After the initial numbness of grief subsided, a dull and
constant pain set in, but with time, that pain gave way to a new sense of
purpose. I felt compelled to seek adventures and to find peace where I
could, and I have been supported, cheered for and pushed forward by not only my
own family and friends, but also by Justin’s. There is a power in knowing that these people understand this pain and loss and hurt
in their hearts. It can't be
explained, they simply know.
One night this winter, Justin’s mom simply noted the truth,
"Justin gave you people." To all of you – to my family, to
his family, to friends of Justin I've come to know only in the last year, to
friends we shared and those that knew me long before I ever encountered the
incredible joy of being Justin's friend - I am forever grateful for your
support and love, near and far, in the middle of the night, in the middle of
tears, in the middle of endless laughter and in moments filled with pain.
We all miss Justin, but I am grateful for this gift and for so
many of you – Justin’s presence in my life has pushed me to do things I never
thought I would or could. The
sentiment in the final words of Maya Angelou’s “When Great Trees Fall” has
resonated with me with increasing intensity in the previous days and is a poem so many of us will forever connect to Justin…
“…They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.”
Justin proved to be an unassuming inspiration. That inspiration remains now in each of
you. There is nothing about this
hurting that I like or understand, but I know so very clearly that our mission
now is to find peace, move forward with the gifts he gave, and be better. Because of Justin, and because of all
of you, I am a better person today and I will strive to be better, always.
Love to you, JC…we miss you more than you could ever know.
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